#they hurt my soul so deeply

[dechagrin]

toulouse regretted most of his words the moment they came out of his mouth but that didn't make them any less true. the man was tempted to keep going, to keep talking, but then berlioz was chasing the tail-end of his last sentence with a thought of his own. hearing that berlioz didn't hate him shocked the elder in a way he hadn't expected it to, brows furrowing almost in disbelief — for someone who claimed not to hate him, it sure had felt like it for the better half of their lives. it wasn't entirely berlioz's fault, and part of toulouse couldn't be mad at him for it because he couldn't necessarily blame him for feeling that way. their father left, then all the sudden toulouse was acting in his place without any input or consideration from his siblings. his mother had encouraged the behavior, or... she didn't do much to stop it, and toulouse became a bit of an insufferable helicopter brother. he practically breathed down berlioz and marie's necks for years but that was solely to ensure that they were taken care of and looked out for; to this day, he still knew how they preferred their sandwiches and what snacks they liked from the amount of lunches he packed... even if he hadn't done it in a while. toulouse frowned, reaching up to rub the back of his neck; ❛ i'd never pretend you don't exist. i think about you and marie all the time. i didn't mean for... i just thought i was giving you what you wanted.❜ pretty much every second of his life was spent worrying about berlioz and marie... and now that they were all adults, it felt like he had no purpose since they didn't need him anymore. especially since he kept failing them as an older brother. toulouse realized now, far too late, the he had always just struggled to find that balance between being overly involved and... not being involved at all.

toulouse sighed, lifting the hand not clutching his own purchase to pinch his temples between thumb and middle finger, putting enough pressure on the points to make his eyes close. ❛ it's hard not to hover when you tell me shit like that, berli...❜ the elder brother sighed, his stomach twisting as berlioz continued; are you sorry i overdosed or are you sorry you weren't there to prevent it ?? toulouse didn't have an answer to that, because if they were being fully honest right now — he'd have to say both. anything that ever happened to his brother and sister, the eldest took personally- took seriously. his entire life's purpose had been dedicated to protecting them and it appeared, as cards were folded and hands were shown, that toulouse had failed them both. over and over again, he had failed them...and in turn, he had failed himself.

at the moniker, his head snapped back up, meeting berlioz's eyes with his own; the mist undeniable as his vision became clouded. ❛ christ, berlioz, i'm not — ❜ but the denial clutched at his throat and realization made the sentence stop itself before toulouse could even finish it frowning at berlioz, not entirely satisfied with the conversation and not wanting to let the other run off, toulouse cleared his throat and looked away. ❛ i'm not judging you or your... habits.❜ the man clarified, gesturing vaguely at berlioz's figure despite how much it ailed him to even think about what berli was putting his body — putting his mind — through. ❛ look if we're... if we're both just going to walk away from this and make shitty decisions can we at least do it together ?? ❜ the invitation was out before he could take it back, and something that almost resembled hope gleamed in toulouse's eyes as he looked back up, almost desperate. ❛ i've got a house on my own just a few blocks from here and... and we don't have to talk about — ❜ your overdose and drug use. my borderline drinking problem. how we haven't talked in what feels like years. ❛ — anything. we can just... i don't know...❜ stopping himself, giving up before even having a response, toulouse sighed deeply in defeat. shaking his head, waving apologetically to the patrons of the store, toulouse stepped back to push open the door for berli, holding it open for him.

❛ i'll just... i'll get out of your way. i'm sorry.❜

~

"I don't hate you," were the first words that came out of Berlioz's mouth. Words that came out so instantaneously that he hadn't had time to process anything else his brother said. The one that stuck out most was that Toulouse truly thought Berli hated him. Had he been so selfish and cruel while he pushed everyone away they mistook it for hatred? It was the other way around. Berlioz loathed himself, thinking that he was worthless or a waste of space. He knew he was selfish and hurt the ones he cared about and it's a heavy weight on his shoulders. He felt guilty, especially when he compared Toulouse to their father. It was unfair of him. He was still so hurt though. He knew Toulouse and Marie were too. Berlioz had tore them apart, limb from limb, until their family had shattered from the inside out. "There's a difference between giving someone space and pretending they don't exist. I suppose that means there's a difference between pushing people away and setting boundaries too then." He looked away from his brother, tears stinging his eyes. He could not cry in front of Toulouse. He had to pretend he was fine and not that he was starting to feel the early withdrawal effects of needing drugs. It was an itch that wouldn't go away no matter how hard or how long you scratched at it. In the end the skin would end up red and raw and one would succumb to easing the pain. Drugs were sort of similar that way. You scratched and scratched until you gave in and grabbed the lotion.

"I just wanted you to acknowledge my existence but not hover. I-- I do shit you would never approve of. Shit you don't need to know about so you can sleep at night." He glances back at his brother, trying to ignore the gaze of the cashier and other customers. He was growing paranoid and he needed something to ease that. Home was just around the corner but he knew it was too late to bolt now. He was stuck. "I don't know what you want from me either, you know. You can be sorry all you want but what are you apologizing for? Are you sorry I overdosed or are you sorry you weren't there to prevent it? It's not a fucking secret I was using drugs. The inevitable happened but I'm still here. So don't be fucking sorry for it." He stomach felt unsettled, specifically after he said the word 'overdose.' He could count on one hand how many times he'd said the actual word out loud. He hated it. It made things too real. He just wanted to be in his happy place and relax. Toulouse was getting in the way of that.

"If you want to hand out apologies, fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have compared you to our dad. That was a low blow. I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit that you consistently avoid me, more than I avoid you or Marie. I'm sorry I'm not a carbon-fucking-copy of you, golden boy. I can hear mother saying it now. 'Oh, Toulouse, you're so wonderful. You're such a great big brother to look after your siblings.' When's the last time any of us have told her the truth about anything though?! She doesn't know you're at wits end or that Marie is a lot more fragile than she lets on. She doesn't know how unwell I am. None of you do." Admitting it out loud made it too real. Words were coming out before he could think of how to string them together. He was unwell. He was an addict and he had no intention of changing that. He didn't care. To him his own existence was a waste. "Just...just get out of my way, Lou. All I want to do is go home and I think you probably want to do the same and drink a bottle or two, huh? You cannot judge my habits when yours are no better."

[ravenpureforever]

So guess who finally watched JJK

[acourtofquestions]

Chapter 89

I just finished Chapter 89

[turrondeluxe]

i had to see this tiktok and cry so i’m kindly making you suffer with me ;__;

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJsQYRXM/

RONIN MM MIKEY....

[akalegos]

some tucker and esigma doodles

[loviatarsluv-old]

he says “I love you” but gale dekarios says “a moment with you could sate me for a lifetime.”

[smallangryandtired]

Being me is so frustrating and hard sometimes for me....

[dykesynthezoid]

It’s been one (1) day and I’ve already seen the fact that Kamala Harris’s husband is (((Jewish))) brought up multiple times, so that’s gonna be a fun thing to deal with for the next four months and potentially another 4-8 years after that

[cosmic-ships]

On a different note I feel guilty in a way? That I haven't really talked about Kylo in a few days and I feel bad about that. Okay so maybe some shitty people helped with making me feel bad about it.

[clerichs-xi]

tender as a bruise, sharper than a razor wrap her tentacles around me like she'll never let me go

klaus' backstory arc just ended heho and it was revealed he used to be the lover of the goddess of storms and pirates... she had basically kidnapped him and imprisoned him into murder and piracy for 20 years and needless to say it greatly damaged him on every level <3 its okay he's been able to be normal for once since the start of the campaign thanks to the party aka his new found family

get urself a surrogate middle-aged father who can speedrun a forbidden romance in one minute and then immediately go to confront the darkest version/a corrupted version of himself, as well as his toxic lover as she tortures him -w-)b

details and just the lines hehe

[nerosdayinanime]

crippling need to draw this image i have of sabigiyuu pressed back to front, giyuu holding onto the arm thats hand is splayed over his stomach/ribs, easily leaning his head back onto sabito's shoulder, his soft barely-there hold on giyuu's neck with their cheeks gently pressed together

[yoonnamjin25]

Ok but I need a post canon, Arthur returns, slow burn, Merthur, kind of fic where we can acompany our beloved king through the different stages of grief he will go through when Merlin tells him he's been dead for over 1500 years so he lost his kingdom, knights, friends and wife. A fic where we can see Merlin introducing Arthur to the 21st century and its technology that he insists is just magic, Mer-lin, I know it, I'm no fool. I know magic when I see it. A fic where we can see Arthur still struggling to fully trust on Merlin again because yes, he forgave him and he doesn't really care about the magic (except he does because Merlin's eyes look so beautiful when they are gold and where did that come from, Arthur Pendragon? Merlin, beautiful? Ha! The clotpole must've been right when he told you you shouldn't drink a third cup of that dark, strong, addictive beverage) but he still can't get over all the years of constant lies and deceiving, and Merlin feels guilty af so he tries to win his trust once again day by day and keep the promise he made to himself that day he finally confessed his magic to Arthur to not lie to him ever again. A fic full of fluffy moments between merthur where we can see them fall for each other harder slowly but surely until one day, after 3 or 4 months since Arthur came back, he finally kisses Merlin. And then they kiss some more. And more. And they are so happy grinning like idiots between kisses because finally they are on the same page. And everything is perfect. And Arthur suddenly loses his shirt somehow and things are getting heated although everything is still so soft and sweet and tentative. And then the doorbell rings. They ignore it at first, Arthur's orders, but the person behind the door is insistent so they have to stop so Merlin can go and see who it is. And when he finally opens the door, his jaw almost hit the floor because the person in front of him is no other than the fucking Queen of Camelot, his first and beloved friend, Guinevere Pendragon, the long ago dead widow of Arthur Pendragon, king of Camelot, whom he's been making out with seconds ago. And then everything goes downhill coz Gwen sees her husband and Arthur is so shocked to see her again and then they are hugging and smiling and kissing and glowing with happiness and then there's Merlin, with tears in his eyes as he sees them reunite again. As he sees Arthur reunited with his true love. And when the king finally takes a moment to process everything that is happening while having Guinevere laughing crying in his arms, his eyes find Merlin, his Merlin, the one he had in his arms minutes ago and everything comes crashing. Reality hits him so hard he can't even breathe for a second. Because he was happy with Merlin and even though he hadn't yet admitted it out loud, he knew, deep in his soul, that he was in love with him, but then Guinevere is back! His beautiful, amazing, sweet and wonderful queen who he loves with all his heart is back from the death and how is that even possible???

Phew! A fic full of drama and angst and hurt/comfort and tough decisions that Arthur will have to make eventually because he loves them both, but he only can have one and that is breaking him apart because he is a righteous man at heart and he knows that as a married man, his choice should be clear as water, but his soul is screaming at him because it wants something else, someone else, and he doesn't know what to do as he knows whatever he decides, one of the two people he loves the most in his life will end up brokenhearted. But life is unfair and cruel to everyone. Even to legendary kings.

So.

Can someone please write it?

For me???

Pretty please???

[lesbiancolumbo]

[mymp3]

i have not stopped crying since finishing off like y'all this is really really bad.

[yeastymuffin]

Britana dress as Harley and Ivy for halloween. Or its an AU lol up to you 👀

I am getting ideas. I am manifesting. I am on the brink of abandoning another 15k fic and start a new one

no but i've thought about this before and i highkey want to write it but i am also trying to focus on one project at a time cuz i keep forgetting about my old ones and deciding they're trash